One arm and the truth-making process… Tuesday, Apr 1 2008

So I wanted to write about watching the news last night and seeing a guy I had seen several times before talking in one of those roundtables all the news shows do. Having seen him several times, I was in complete shock to discover that this time I saw him, he only had one arm…let me just go one record and say I was creeped out. Now don’t go jumping to conclusions, I wasn’t creeped out because he had one arm, more of that fact that he had gotten away with being on tv this whole time without me knowing it! I mean, seriously, I have no ill will towards people who are missing limbs, in fact, I’m sure there are plenty of pictures of me on the internet with one-limbed people. I’m sure in those pictures I’m meeting with, shaking hands (or hand), or pushing one-limbed people. Most people say I am a humanitarian. I agree wholeheartedly with those people.

Anyways, I’m not upset that this man only has one arm, I’m upset that he never let me know about it. I kind of feel like I have been lied to. I mean, I expect some journalistic integrity in my news. The least he could have done was wave his arm every once in a while and shout at the camera “This is the only arm I have” so that everyone would know he wasn’t a liar. I can respect something like that. I can even respect more subtle ways, like throwing it in his talking points during the roundtable. “Well James, as you know, I only have one arm, but that doesn’t change my views on Hillary…” Respectable. But he didn’t do that, and thats sad. So in short, I wanted to write about this guy, but I’m not going to because I couldn’t find a picture of the guy, so I’m not sure if i dreamed it up or not, since I have no proof, and proof is the cornerstone of the truth-making process (See how I brought that all together?)…

Bonus question -Can anyone guess what button I found today while writing this post? (I’ll give you a hint, its the Italics button…that may have been too much of a hint)

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Show your true self… Tuesday, Apr 1 2008

I’ve gotten a ton of requests for this, so here it is…

My wife wants to start a band….

Comments? Questions?

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Reviewing the Classics… Thursday, Mar 27 2008

I like to tell people what I think about things, because my feelings are usually spot-on to what Johnny Everyman (that’s my new nickname for whoever is reading this, don’t fight it, it’s going to stick) would think about whatever we were collectively thinking about. So, yeah, anyways, I am going to assume that I will have an influence in what you spend your time with, so let me give you the first review of this weblog. I present to you…

POLICE ACADEMY 4: CITIZENS ON PATROL

Oh man, what a masterpiece! This movie has it all: Police, Citizens, Tons of Patrolling, Officer Mahoney, the guy who makes all the sounds, Officer Hightower, the really meek girl who squeaks all during the film except that one time when she gets reallly mad and makes everyone respect her, and finally the absolute star of the show, Bobcat Goldthwait. I swear, I didn’t want to blink anytime he was on screen, because who knew what jarbled mess was about to come out. Let me just say, I don’t normally like jarbled mess, I like to know what someone is saying, but with Bobcat, who cares what you are saying,everything is hilarious. Does anyone remember the Police Academy Cartoon? Classic. Do I need to say more? Sure I do…classic and good-humored…no, let’s just keep that at classic, it describes it well.

So the movie was great and all, but what really sold it for me was when I found out that David Spade and Sharon Stone both had minor roles in this movie, blew my mind! Spade played a skateboard punk who is
“too cool for school” who is court appointed to become a citizen on Patrol. I’m not sure how the writers figured this out, but Spade does an untold amount of damage, is arrested for assaulting police officers and fleeing from the police, and the punishment is to make him become a cop? Brilliant. Sharon Stone plays a woman who doesn’t become fully naked during the movie, a complete departure for Sharon Stone.

Here is 5 minutes of Bobcat goodness… (footage from Police Academy 3, all of the 4th movie’s Bobcat was set to music…lame…)

Edit: I should have found a smaller picture, that mother is huge!

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My new favorite show… Tuesday, Mar 25 2008

With so much good television to watch, it’s hard for me to pick what I want to watch sometimes. But not at 2:00 am. At 2:00 am there is only one show for me, and that is Cutlery Corner. I know most of you think instantly “Yes. me too, I TIVO that junk every night”. Well, whoopie-doo, not all of us have TIVO, so maybe you should quit rubbing it everyone else’s face. Jerk…Anyways, back to Cutlery Corner, best show on the planet. Yes, it is a show where they sell knives, and though I am only a moderate fan of knives, I am a huge fan of this show.

Where to begin? Maybe the first thing is that not only do they show and sell quality knives (Dale Earnhart Limited edition NASCAR knives), but the quantity of knives involved. The last show I saw had a special going on. Can you guess how many knives were on sale? 100? Don’t insult me! 115? That is only a slightly different number, much higher! 124? No, that’s only 8 more, you have to guess higher! 135? Just stop already, you are making this last much longer than it should. The answer is 330 knives! For something like $345…are you kidding me???? That’s a steal, I am not that great at math, but I think it comes down to less than $.12 per knive…that is insane. And the insanity continues, because not only can you buy this many knives all at once, but you can pay for it in installments. Installments!! That’s ridiculous!! Can you imagine only paying half of $345 for 330 knives? That’s like $100! Are you kidding! And just imagine the size of the box that all those knives come in…I am literally foaming at the mouth! Imagine if I really liked knives, and this show came on at a more reasonable time…I’m sweating at the thought!!!

So anyways, I guess what I am saying, is don’t watch T.V. after midnight…

Unless you want to have your freaking mind blown freaking away! (with knives)

I didn’t even have time to talk about the host, who may be the second coming of Johnny Carson, with his razor wit and knowledge of knives. Ah, some other time maybe…

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Eating for a Living Thursday, Mar 20 2008

I can be a food critic. More than that, I need to be a food critic. Shannon (Wife) and I were watching Top Chef last night and even though I have seen the show countless times, I got a little jealous of the judges. Maybe it was because there wasn’t much to complain about last night, as only 3 of the 20 dishes served were considered sub par. So for a good portion of the show, all we saw was the judges stuffing their face and rolling their eyes to the back of their head in sheer delight. Tough job for sure, but one I feel I would be a perfect fit for. I have the two main requirements for being a food critic: 1) I love food and 2) I can be a complete jerk to someone who makes me taste something that I do not like. If I haven’t won you over yet about how good of a critic I could be, let me just say that I also come with a set of stellar phrases that any judge worth his salt (food reference, I’m also topical) would use:

- “This food is too salty”

-”This food is not salty enough”

-”It is insulting that you would put this food in front of me”

-”This tastes like rotten fish threw up in my mouth”

-”I can not describe how much I hate you right now because of this food”

- “If I fed this to my kids, I would be arrested for child abuse”

-”You have lost the right to ever look me in the face again”

Feel free to pass this on to any Top Chef executives in charge of casting judges of guest judges, I’ll be awaiting their call…

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A blog for the people… Wednesday, Mar 19 2008

Everyone has a blog. I mean, everybody. I am constantly asked, no pleaded with, to go to this friend’s blog or to see what brilliant thing has been written on this other friend’s blog. These requests start off reasonable enough, and for the most part I comply and check out most blogs. However, I feel like I don’t have any leverage with these people. Hence, this blog.

Now, when someone tells me to read their blog I can counter with a “Sure, make sure you check out my new post on Carpet Cleaning!” That will teach those jerks…

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